I was traveling by train back from my holiday. I am wired in, headset on, wearing the same clothes for two long days during this continent-wide heat wave. The international train network is down, so I'm stranded with other the refugees in this train station. The plan is to travel to some village near the border where they will smuggle us in by bus. We are waiting for the train. Suddenly a woman comes to me asking me if I am Turkish. I said no. She explained that she thought I was and proceeded to ask me questions about the train schedule. She was traveling for work and did not understand how to get home in this mess. She sat next to me and talked about her student life, about how she is graduating and stressed about not having her thesis grade yet. About how she is about to become homeless and is looking for an new place with her friend and how the apartment hunting goes. I talked, she asked me about my life, my work where, I am from. We had a normal conversation, we had prolonged eye contact like I was a normal person. I left some purposeful silence in there while looking away from her a couple of times to make sure I was not accidentally trapping her in this situation by actively engaging with her questions. But she kept talking and was engaging.

She looked like the youngest daughter of Greek gods. She was smiling, happy, normal. How did she engage? Normally my defenses are strong, they see the large headphones, the unpleasantness of my face in both its structure and stance, on top of that I was wearing these clothes that must be reeking, drenched in sweat, cooking in the heat and humidity. The aura emanating from me should makes no one engage, it makes no one engage, except she did. She didn't see the monster emanating from me. The conversation lasted maybe 5min. When a especially long silence fell that neither of us filled, she told me she is getting a smoke before our train left and she got up. I, confused by the situation that just took place, too out my phone and used the camera as a mirror to see if I still look the same as I imagine. I did, what happened? why did she engage?

I saw this girl about 10 minutes earlier upstairs in the train station. I saw her walking from the back and my eyes lingered till I got to see her face. The body of a perfect CENSORED. She had a slight annoyed facial expression which made think she was as cold bitch, an reaction to the magnificence of the sigh with my all or nothing view of the other kind and her slightly annoyed facial expression. I was so wrong, she was perfect. The kind of person that makes you feel empty when she walks past, as you mourn never getting to interacting with this random person. Somehow we did interact. During our convo I told her the train to the border would come at 20:03 as that is what the employee there told me. A different train came in 15min earlier that also went to the border, so I along with the other refugees took that train instead. She hadn't gotten back yet from her smoke, I should have waited for the next train and joined her. She was lost and did not know which train to take. My responsibility :(

Maybe it was for the best, I would have fkd it up if I continued to talk to her anyway, but who knows... Maybe this is how I can get over the turk, by meeting a real one. She was so positive. There was a soul in there, maybe a shallow one, but a truly alive one. Maybe if I waited for her, we would continue talking for the whole next 2 hour leg of the trip. Maybe there was something there? At an earlier leg of that trip I saw a man and woman sitting across one another who started talking, and continued for an hour, then exchanged contact info. maybe this is how people meet one another?

I know I have thought about her too much as I forgotten how her face looked like. Only remembering attributes, luckily the memory of her face came back to me when I stopped thinking off her for a couple of days. Weird how the more obsessed I am with someone the more of blur their face becomes.

The more I reflect on this experience, the more hope it gives me. I know I have the ability to communicate properly with the other kind and to be able to be there for someone. I deserve more than the waves of emotional disturbances the darkmoon hits me with on a weekly basis. They hide in the depths luring their victims in with the promise of deepening of thoughts to only leave you scarred. I maybe don't deserve this friendly, positive Greek goddess either, but who knows.. maybe I should download a dating app.. unfortunately the idea of making a dating profile with pictures of myself makes me suicidal. In a next life perhaps.

It always comes back to you Somi. If I just would be able to delude myself fully that your existence is equivalent to these others I would cease to need to engage with the outside world any more than strictly necessary as beside sustenance, I would have everything I need. I would gladly exchange my sanity for your existence. One day I will get there. Goodnight Somi.